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The Last Little Samurai
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9th-May-2015 10:06 pm - utterly defeated
Emptyness
I don't know what to do any more. I feel like I'll always never be any good. I want to tell people the truth and make them shut up and listen for once. I want to tell them how horrible i feel. how lonely i feel all the time. how frustrated i am all the time at all of the wrong things that i see around me. how our whole lives are a walking hypocrisy. by law i can't work on someone that has a communicable disease. yet when i politely tell a client something is off (because i can't diagnose anything) yet i get yelled at for telling my client to go see a doctor. i hate feeling like i'm the only person who gives a damn about following the rules anymore. why does no one understand that the rules are there for a reason?! i don't want to go outside my house anymore. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to be within 100 miles of anyone. because all they'll do is lie to me, mistreat me, bully me, and make me do things that i don't want to do just because "it doesn't matter any more". i hate this. I hate that mommy's not here any more. I want to hug mommy. I want to ask her why this world's so wrong. why impatience is valued more than patience. why quality doesn't matter anymore.why dishonesty is commended? why money should matter above all else? what should i do if all my options don't exist? should i quit? should i stay? how come i'm not a very good female? i don't know what to do mommy. i don't understand. tell me waht to do mommy. i'm so lost with out you mommy. i don't understand my purpose in life any more mommy. no one appreciates the things that i do any more mommy. they all tell me that i'm not good enough mommy. why can't i just be me mommy? you always said to me that i was perfect just the way i was. how can i make them understand mommy? mommy i miss you. my body's changing so much mommy. my fingers hurt. are they supposed to do that mommy? my heart hurts sometimes too mommy. so much that i think "what if i'm about to have a heart attack?". i don't want to go yet mommy. i'm so scared mommy. what happens if i become like ben too mommy? what happens if i start to hear voices too mommy? waht if my life is pointless mommy. what do i do if i run out of money mommy? i don't want to be in debt mommy. mommy, every one is leaving me behind. I can't catch up with them mommy. i'm so scared i'll be left all alone again mommy. i don't want to be left alone mommy. I want my friends to always be with me mommy. how do i catch up mommy? i don't understand. why do people have to lie mommy? what do i do if doing what is expected of me isn't the right thing to do mommy? where do i go mommy? i'm so tired of it all mommy. what if i never find the right job for me mommy? what if i don't fit in anywhere mommy? where do i go? how can i be happy again mommy? i haven't had a happy day since you left mommy. please come back mommy. i miss you mommy.

My heartsong:
28th-Apr-2015 07:51 pm - Ugh
Robbie
I was reminded today how fucked up our morality as a nation is. How we are willing to compromise anything just for more money... Deplorable..
Robbie
why do people have to be so stupid! when did the world we live in become something that denies us our humanities because of greed? i really don't want to live in the states anymore. today i went back to the doctor that gave me the diagnosis of pink eye last week, and he refuses to give me a doctors note because "you can be ok to work, just practice good hygiene and don't rub your eye." are you fuckin kidding me?! you expect me to go into work with a puss gushing, bright red ass eye, and expect my clients to feel comfortable?! FUCK you. there is no way! Pink eye is VERY contagious, and there is no way that i could just explain my eye away! fuck this place! I am so tired with dealing with the corporate machine! I am MORE than the sum of my products! My work has passion woven into everything i do! I'm not sorry that my work is a better quality than your shitty, quickly made, biproduct of you greed! I am scared that i will get fired, and that i'll no longer have a way to provide for my puppies, thus having to give them up. I /can not/ be parted from either of them. And now i have a house that seams to be falling apart at the seams that is sucking up any money i have obtained. I HATE THIS! i wish i lived in a world where we were more than what we make. where i could be free to do the things i love because i love doing them with the people that i love. a place where no one had to go hungry and the food that we ate are actually GOOD for us instead of all this factory made, chemical concoction that we call food. a place where doing those things gave us purpose just because others appreciated them. where bullying wasn't a thing, and drama never happened because everyone was content. i hate this! I HATE THIS!
11th-Mar-2015 03:52 am - so the other night...
all alone
My boss took me to Pho and had a pep talk with me. and everything went well. we talked about alot of things, but again, i felt that i held back a little because i'm not stupid enough to think that if i said the wrong thing to her, i could be fired instantly. As much as she boasts that she 'knows' people at a glance, the thing that baffles me is how little she can see of herself. But maybe it's just like me and that she knows, but ends up not feeling like she does. But somehow on our dinner, we got on the topic of my boy and how he doesn't have a job. She asked the blanket topic of if that bothers me and in such a way i knew that she thought that something was wrong with him, as in i should dump him kind of wrong. But why should i care? logically speaking, he's just slow like i am. that's just the way he is. he does things right the first time rather then jump head long into things. I'm fine with that. and he's currently going to school so he can get a job, so eventually we could go to the next stage, whatever that may be. It's not like he just sits there on his ass all day. Also, he is not being a financial burden on me. I pay for all of my own stuff. All of my own bills. Everything that my puppies need. I pay for everything. So why should i care that he doesn't have a job if he's not living with me? but since she brought that up, why is it constantly on my mind that maybe he isn't right for me...the question nags at my brain, and is brought to the forefront because i have a friend who could be a better 'example'. Do I stay? should i leave for the 'better' one? is this feeling just infatuation? The tingle at being showed cheesy lovey-dovy things? But my guy and I have been through so much together. 9 years of shit. He has proven to be tried and true to me. We still have issues with 100% communication, and it kinda makes me feel mad when he appears to just not care about anything. liek the other day, i asked him how he'd feel if i told him that we were expecting our first child. his answer? "Meh *shrug*". His apathy kills me! It makes me want to lash out at him, but because of my non-combative brain, and the pointlessness at getting mad at him, i never do. I shrink up and roll on my belly. I fuckin hate it! But this other guy can't stop telling me how much I mean to him, how he loves me, and how i'm so beautiful and how he wants to take me. And all of a sudden, i feel suffocated and irritated at how pressured i feel and how clingie he is. I've become my guy to him. So then i question if either would be a good fit? neither would be 100%. it's irritating. And i hate that my boss has made me question what i thought i was ok with. I hate this... I wish i was a guy...
9th-Mar-2015 03:20 am - To my brain,
Robbie
there are alot of things that my mind is thinking about. And i guess it's just easier to type things out where i can be more precise with my words then talk about them, but also because every time i actually try and express the depth of my problems, a loud voice in my head always shouts back "Quit complaining! You're just trying to make excuses to not do X." And i believe it, so i stay quiet. I'm getting fatter as time goes by, and i know i need to start doing something about it, but i get so scared to do it alone, and having to give up spending time with friends, my support in WoW gives me so much anxiety that I don't give it much thought at all. But the voice keeps saying "That's just an excuse! You're just too lazy to get off your ass and do something." you know how much WoW i've actually played (not idled) this week? maybe 3-4 hours... combined. The only reason i got on was so my friends could talk to me. That's it. WoW means nothing to me, but my friends that still play WoW mean everything to me. I want to escape into it again after work. I want to get swept up in a good RP again. But ever since last march 30th, not only is it the exact day my mom died in 2009, but it's also the day that my guild, my family, my support left me all alone. They abandoned me for another game. So i had only one friend who was still there. But he Raided, and i had a great time raiding with him! I did! But then WoD fucked even that up too. I can't even do Silver proving grounds on my Lock so that i can be with him, have fun with him. I can't. And it's because my brain is so slow, and can't handle the simple task of doing two things at once. Even my solution is unobtainable (get better gear to out DPS when i can stand still) because you need Silver to do heroics. Once again, I am alone, and scared, and lost. I can't do anything by myself, and it frustrates me to no end. Even in real life! I'm so scared to do anything with out a friend to hold my hand, sometimes literally, when i have to even go somewhere new. That's why i don't have a general doctor. I'm too scared to even find one, and the politics behind healthcare is something that i don't even grasp, so i don't even deal. it is with this mentality that i really do think I'm a Sub. Even before 50, I had an inkling, but the thought of having someone just tell me what to do, what to eat, where to be, what to do, what is expected of me...I want someone to do that, and i realize that Mom was that person for me. Then when she was all of a sudden not there to ask what to do... I'm constantly bumbling around, trying to grasp at what i think is right, but is it really? Is me working where i do really worth staying? Leaving? Should i want more? Thinking about that gives me anxiety. So i stay, and say nothing, deal. Because dealing is easier then making a decision. But i'm scared that soon, i might break. I'd never harm anyone, myself included in any way. Ever. But I fantasize all the time of telling people off or giving them a TKO, just to stay home again in my cocoon where no one can hurt me, and no one can force me to decide anything. I hate dealing with people. Why should lieing and cheating be the only way to make it in the world? Why does it matter so fucking much that i talk with every one of my customers? to fill the silence? Grow up and realize that silence is totally fine. Just let me be in the background. Most of my customers are too superficial to even have any resemblance to any kind of worthiness of my words. Maybe 1/8th of the people i see in a day actually are worthy of my energy. It's all the same thing! "did you hear about Shela? I heard that she's not doing X because Y", or "She is such a bitch to even deal with." Why does it matter? why should it have to matter that we are so trivial as to deal with the musings of sheep when we all could be Lions? I do not understand! The only way to win is not to play, right? I don't play, yet I'm the one to get reprimanded, silently. I work in a high-end Salon, yet I don't believe in makeup. All it's used for is to attract mates. 1) I have one, but more logically 2)I'm not pretty in any way. No clothes i have have ever made me feel sexy, in any way, form, or fashion. I hate my belly, and i hate my chin. Every time i see my reflection in any reflective surface, i start a bit. Maybe it has roots back to when my mom died and i was forced to move down here again and to this day i swear to you i was so scared i'd look in the mirror and see that sallow girl with no eyes, staring back at me, and judging, loathing everything i did or thought. But i don't like to look at my reflection. I hate it. It's not me. I feel littler, smaller, younger, different, yet what i see is not me. It's someone else. And that someone else is ugly. Why would anyone ever want that? So why doll it up and make it pretty just to have the truth found and rejected. I'd much rather show who i am, and be rejected firstly, then show a fake, be accepted, then later be crushed and left abused. Yet i'm jealous of the other girls who are strong, beautiful, slender, delicate. But I'm too afraid to express that because if i say my true thought about me being fat, people will rebuttal with "you're not Fat, you should learn to love your body." which to me is a disgusting thought! I am fat. How can you not see that i am? And that whole idea is so frustrating! Why should it matter what my size is? Yet all of society wants models, and to be like them. Inside my home, with no commercials telling me how to think, how to act, I didn't care about my size. and i hate that i miss that, because i know that i never want to be couped up in my house again like that. Days turned to weeks, night to day. Time didn't matter. Yet it was so hallow and lonely. I had no purpose. Friends left me to work, or sleep. No one could be with me all the time. Except my boyfriend. But even he wasn't there the way that i need him. Still isn't. I was talking to him the other day about weddings, and having a kid. I asked him what kind of wedding he would like after i told him some of my expectations, and he replied with, "*shrugs* Meh, it doesn't matter to me." Which hurt alot more then it should. And when , on a separate occasion, I asked him what he would do when I told him we were expecting our first, and he responded "if it was on accident, Meh. if it was expected, Meh. Either way i'd just shrug and say 'ok' " and that really hurts for me. It seams every time i ask him about what he feels, he just shrugs and literally doesn't care. But i can't 100% say for sure that he was being serious with me when he answered, nore do i think he knew how serious i was asking. But it hurt. And i don't know if i'm just staying because leaving is unthinkable because he's always been there, or if i really do love him. Honestly i feel a bit numb and confused about anything. For alot of subjects, i can honestly say i don't feel anything. Not good, yet not hate either. it confuses me. And i hate that. Like sex, I can purposefully turn off my 'on' switch in the heat of everything. I hate that. I don't get excited except when i'm being actively touched, and i hate that. I'm envious of people who can get turned on by a glance. Why do i have to be so broken that nothing that i ever do, in any aspect of my life ever works! I am horrendous at being a girl, yet am a girl. I do nail art, yet none of my uniquely my own work ever flows right? it's always a copy. I don't know the basics of living hardly. My house is a mess. There is hair everywhere, yet i see everyone go 'hair is gross' and sometimes even gag. This is a perfect example of feeling nothing. be it Dog hair, my hair, someone else's hair, with the exception of being uber curly and found in food, i just don't see what makes it gross. I do not understand. that connection isn't there. So I have to pretend i feel something and go 'gross.' And i hate that i have nothing there. I want to look at the mess around me and say 'it's gross', yet the only time i have any issue with it is other's perception of what's around me. Why can't i look at hair and go 'gross!' I want to look at my clutter and go 'that disgusts me', but it doesn't. And i don't understand why and it frustrates me and gives me anxiety. Because i must be broken, and i don't know how to fix me. All of these thoughts and much more is what keeps me up at night. not trivial things like "did i leave the oven on?" or what color something was. Those are too trivial. It is because of those thoughts that i am forced to have something that engages my mind so i can pay attention to it, rather then my thoughts. And because of that, and a nagging drive that something needs to be completed, that i stay up at night, no matter when i try to go to bed. And i am just so exhausted, overwhelmed, and frustrated at it all...even now the voice is saying all of that was an excuse to not do.. fuck.

the song in my heart:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xy0PQ5XIl4
Translation:
"I can't even figure out where I'm headed
Fading memory is slowly drawn
Towards the wind by a slender thread
I listen closely to the voice of my troubled heart
"What in the world
was I born to do..."
Yes, it's asking
The moon is always gazing at me
Even now, the answer has yet to come
The moon is always gazing at me
Even now, the answer has yet to come
Please let me hear
The voice...
Please show me
The dream...
Because even if I fall into unending sleep
There's nothing to be afraid of
Please teach me
The truth...
Please tell me
The crime...
As my hidden self is
Wet with red tears...
Only affection is becoming greater
I can't remember anything
Not even the name of the past
I can't do anything anymore
The moon is always, quietly,
Letting the rain keep falling...
Please let me hear
The voice...
Please show me
The dream...
Because even if I fall into unending sleep
There's nothing to be afraid of
Please teach me
The truth...
Please tell me
The crime...
As my hidden self is
Wet with red tears...
Please let me hear
The voice...
Please show me
The dream...
Because even if I fall into unending sleep
There's nothing to be afraid of
Please teach me
The truth...
Please tell me
The crime...
As my hidden self is
Wet with red tears... "
31st-Jan-2015 07:05 pm - Really?
stupidity
so this guy today had a fungus under his toe. I preformed a pedi on him because people had already put him into the water. so what was i supposed to do? plus, since he started with the other foot, i didn't know about any of it till one foot was already done? What was i supposed to do? stop mid service and say "I'm sorry sir, i can't preform a pedicure on you?" if i had caught him before he put his feet in the water i wouldn't have had to quarantine the tub, sanitize everything, and dry out my hands with a shit ton of alcohol! does no one understand that it's illegal for me to preform a pedi on someone with a foot disease?! but oh no! That's not the end of things. I wasn't rude or anything during the service. I did tell him that next time he had to bring a doctor's note before receiving another service. he even actively asked me if there was anything i could do? I told him i couldn't diagnose, or treat any disease. then he asked me if i had heard anything. So i said i had heard that tea tree oil was a thing and that he could get it at any wholefoods. and that was that! i said nothing more, nor was anything said back to me! he seamed happy and everything. but after i found out he said that i was arguing with him the whole time and felt that he deserved a free service and how he had been serviced here before.the audacity! and what kills me is that rich SOB's like this one do this shit because they don't want to pay for anything. THIS IS WHY NO ONE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS! quit being a fuckin douche bag. this is why i hate living in a land where idiocy rules.
28th-Sep-2014 02:27 am - Things wrong with me
Emptyness
I'm fat.
I'm considered ugly by most standards, just because I don't wear makeup.
I can't clean, and it is effecting my relationships.
No matter what I do, I always end up falling short. Always.
I'm brilliant, yet I can't seam to live right. I'm always broken.
I'm afraid to tell truths, or voice my true opinion because it might lead to a conflict that I won't win.
All of my problems are things that people always tell me "well I got just as bad. You need to suck it up." Yeah, bitch. I'm trying. That shit ain't working too well.
No one takes me seriously.
In the past 3 weeks, I've had people effected by the cleanliness of my house. And right now it's getting so bad that it's getting to be a complex.
I suck at managing my money. I don't understand why it exists.
I suffer from insomnia, and I'm worried that it will start effecting my work soon.
I hate being an inconvenience to people.
I get tongue tied so quickly, and I hate it.
I see problems that need fixing, but I am so passive that I never tell anyone.
My dogs cost me a lot, but I can't live with out them.
27th-Sep-2014 05:59 pm - Fuck you September.
Emptyness
And today the "fuck Grace" month continues. Today my best friend backed out of moving in with me because he had so much stuff and my house was small and cluttered. But he didn't back out when he was still at his house. No. He backed out after he tried getting his bed upstairs, but couldn't get all of it. It was then that he crushed every hope I had. I am beyond pissed. I feel so defeated right now. Fuck everything right now.
25th-Sep-2014 01:21 am - My life is fake
Emptyness
September has been horrid. Daisey has an autoimmune disease. Light fixtures needed fixing. Furnace has a crack in it and needs to be replaced. And Daisey had two seizures. I am so fuckin done with September. Now Matt is angry at me. There is this guy in wow that I just meet and is a decent RPer. So we've been RPing for the last two days. Tonight was just one of those nights where it was just a bad sequence. I made the guy wait for RP when he said he was going to be an hour, but he got home early. I was in LFR with a bad group that took forever, but I was on the last boss, so I had to stay as a healer. But while I was waiting for him to call back I called Matt thinking that I could get in watching the anime earlier, but he still had 20 min on the conversion left, so he couldn't watch it early like how I wanted to. Then the guy got back early, so he had to wait. Then the guy got mad at me because I wasn't all there, so I tried to be. But that made me not be 100% with Matt, so he got pissed. And then at the end of our conversation he didn't even say "I love you". For the first time in 5 years. But I didn't deserve it. But it makes me angry because he sits there in silence not saying anything because we've kind of run out of thing to talk about at this point in our relationship. I mean what the fuck else do you talk about after 8 years of doing long distance? We're watching anime together, but it's not like we can just go out on the town. He's in another city an hour drive away and I have puppies to take care of. So I can't go. Then he has classes, so he can't come down here. But I mean fuck! I don't know what else to do to make it interesting anymore. I'm not a sexual person. Sex is nice n all, but I don't need it. So setting n all that isn't something that I want to do. And he's not really into that kind of thing. So he gets mad when I go do my own thing when he just sits there doing his own thing. And I'm too much of a pussy to say all this to him because I break and bend at the slightest hint of yelling, or the thought of conflict. I fuckin hate it!!!!! I can't do anything right. My house is so disorganized all the fuckin time that I'm embarrassed to have people come over. I can't clean worth a damn because it's all so overwhelming for me that the very thought of cleaning gives me a panic attack. Yet I know that in a part of my brain that I'm just using that as a fuckin excuse to not do anything. That I'm not really as busy as I think. That maybe I have an addiction to wow that is making me so pathetic. At work I am a real stickler for cleanliness and for being sanitary. Yet at home I have piles of dog hair in the corners because I don't vacuum. The person that I show everyone is a lie. I'm a fake person. I can't do anything right!
15th-Sep-2014 02:07 am - More ugh
Robbie
Today fuckin sucked. From shitty clients to irritating co-workers to a guy who is now less than a person. To day just sucked. I'm eager for it to be over and done with. But first I have to go to bed. Ugh. It's already 2 and I had every intention of going to bed at 12. Happens every fucking time and I'm so sick of it. Yet here I am... Also, one of these days I'd like to make a list of what things that make me want to scream at my clients and smack them over the head. Because my god. If only you knew the things that I know about this indestry....
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